Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Feeling Comfortable

My realtor called. He had pointed out a really cute yellow bungalow when I was last in St. Pete and said there were rumors the owner was moving to Boston. It’s in the neighborhood where I want to live (I think). Yesterday he got permission to show it, though I don’t think it’s officially on the market yet.
So tomorrow I’m driving down to take a look. Makes me nervous to think of moving. I’ve gotten comfortable here in my Dade City country house, worked out a rhythm with my tenant, volunteering in my old school, going to Bible study at church, jamming on Thursday nights……yeah, I’m comfortable. But there’s something about this comfortable feeling that makes me uncomfortable. Do you know what I mean?
I don’t feel called to comfort, at least not right now. In Alaska there was a certain exhilaration in having to trust God from day to day. It did my soul good to NOT have my ducks in a row, to NOT see around every corner, to NOT sleep well without praying on the floor at bedtime. Either I’ve become a real sicko or I’m on to something here. I’m thinking about Hudson Taylor, the 19th Century missionary who evangelized China. He used to turn down offers of help because he loved seeing God work without any help (or something like that).
I’m so far from that kind of faith. And yet all this uncertainty, all this aloneness is catapulting me forward into the exciting unknown (Oh Lord, I just had a vision of me at the battle for Minas Tirith in Lord of the Rings, being catapulted with all the disembodied heads over the wall. Or was that the battle for Helms Deep?)
Anyway, the real question here is not where to live, but who am I becoming? Am I uptown espresso girl, inner city mission-martyr girl, country nature-communer girl, solitary blog-into-book writer girl, mother-daughter-sister family-committed girl, sophisticated socialite (okay that one was a joke), but the list goes on and on. The truth is…….I’m all of these, just as you are multi-faceted also and have to decide which facets to polish up and which ones can gather dust for a while.
It’s not about juggling, which can be both tiresome and overwhelming. It’s more like quietly fitting the squiggly pieces into the jigsaw puzzle which, when completed, will make me feel not only satisfied and whole, but also………..comfortable (I think).

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