Changes

It’s been another wild ride, this getting a mortgage, insurance, inspections, etc. to buy a new house in the city. Honestly, I had no idea it would involve so much…......stress! This is not the first house I’ve bought….well, actually it is. Before, my husband said, “What about this one?” then gave me a date for our closing, drove us there and showed me where to sign. I guess he worked through all these details behind the scenes. I don’t think he minded. I think he knew what he was doing and just took it all in stride.

I’ve actually done pretty well, too. I shopped for a mortgage only to discover that I am NOT a good candidate at this time, being unemployed and all. But I found a broker who would take me. I have also done a lot of negotiating with insurers to be sure I was getting the best deal. It’s all come down to the wire. My walk-through is this afternoon and the closing is tomorrow, after which I have an appointment with the chiropractor. Both my bank account and my neck will get major adjustments on the same day. If I don’t sleep well, I won’t know who to blame.

Then it’s back to Dade City to start packing and planning the move. My tenant’s furniture is in storage so when I move out, she moves her stuff in. Doesn’t that sound like a pleasant day ahead??? Ugh! We’re planning it after the holidays so we won’t be rushed.

I’m remembering December four years ago. It was just this time, the end of November, when Greg went to Hospice. Then the family spent the holidays saying our goodbyes, awkwardly trying to comfort one another and slowly watching our husband, dad, son, friend slip away from us.

The goodbyes have come in slow rolling waves for me. You see them from afar and they rise higher and higher the closer they get until they finally burst over you and momentarily take your breath away.

I think the first was goodbye to our way of life when he was first diagnosed. You knew things would never be the same and then you felt the gradual pelting of the changes. For two years our routine involved doctor visits, medication changes, radiation appointments, the round-the-clock togetherness.

Then splash! I was alone.

The next goodbye is still going on, after all this time….the goodbye to the man himself. No need to elaborate, it still brings me to tears. But they’re good tears, healthy tears that are the salty spray from those waves of life changes that are washing me clean……clean from that dirty, sweaty business of unresolved grief.

Now I’ll be finally leaving my little country house, letting go of my dream of living close to nature, to waking to the squawk of sand hill cranes, to hikes in the woods in my own backyard, to the slow pace of a small town. I can still come and go, as Shelley and I have become close friends, but I’ll never again call this my home. The wave is breaking and I’m braced for the deluge. I can only hope it’s cool and refreshing.

My arms are outstretched, I feel the sun on my face, my eyes are squeezed tight.

HERE IT COMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!